Coming Home
Moving definitely becomes harder with age. This is no something I planned to do so soon after my move a couple of years ago. Unexpected in many ways, but so perfectly right in others. As I sit here, finally settling in after all the activity from the move, I feel a sense of joy. Joy at being home, finally, back where I belong.
Rambling: Still Breathing
Okay, I know it looks like I dropped off the face of the earth. I haven’t. Still hanging in there, and besides, gravity won’t let me fall off, so I’m just continuing to do what I do, which these days isn’t a whole lot.
I’m actually thinking of changing the blog/s, doing something new, something to at least just get me in here and working on them. It’s so easy to lose track of time and just drift. Which is pretty much what I’ve been doing. Drifting. Okay, so gravity may keep me from falling up, but it won’t keep me from drifting a bit. Or a lot.
I’ve been really struggling with the breathing issue, and the CPAP machine. I just don’t think we’re a fit, but I’ve been low on energy lately and haven’t had enough fight in me to argue the point with the CPAP doc. It’s his “thing”, he has written papers on it, he tells me I just need to give it a try.
All his talk about “should” being bad and telling me I need to find a motivation for using the machine, well, it didn’t work, because just after that we had a hot spell during the summer, and the mask made me feel like I was going to suffocate, so I didn’t use it, and haven’t touched it since, even though the weather has changed.
So why do I feel like a little kid who didn’t do her homework and now must face the teacher? Sheesh!
I even bought an oxymeter that measures and records oxygen levels over time. I tested it at night without the CPAP and also during the day, being careful not to jostle it. I found out my oxygen during the day is worse than at night, especially when I use the stairs of concentrate on something – because I literally do stop breathing. My GeneralistDoc wanted to give me some kind of oxygen diffuser for at home, but the sleepDoc nixed that idea and told him to have me go see him first. I know what he’s going to say – use the almighty CPAP.
Gosh I didn’t realize how frustrated I was with all this until I started writing here. I don’t usually get intimidated by doctors or anyone else, so this is unusual for me, and I’m not sure where it’s coming from. Maybe it’s because the doctor in question is so . . . earnest. He really believes in his advice, and offers it with such enthusiasm, it’s hard to argue with him. He’s one of those people with presence who would do well standing at a podium speaking about apnea at a convention. Heck, he probably does all that anyway. So when all that positive energy is focused on me, telling me how good it would be for me to try one more time, it’s hard to resist or stand firm.
On the home sale front things are looking up. We’ve had several visits. One couple made an offer, and upped it twice, but it was too low, even at their best price. They wanted to do renovations that aren’t necessary, and felt we should come down on the price so they could afford what they wanted. Nope. I know what the house is worth, and I’m not budging below a certain point.
We’ve had two visits this week, one was a return visit from a couple that is very enthused, and talking to their bank, so I’m hoping for an offer from them, and the other visit was a couple with two small children, looking for a first home. It was harder to tell what they thought, though they did ask a couple of pertinent questions that seemed to indicate they were considering it. I just have to wait and see.
Meanwhile, what am I doing? Biding time, installing programs onto my desktop PC, but still using the notebook for emails and such. And still watching a lot of tv. 😉 It passes the time while I wait for my life to settle into a new apartment and new rhythm.
No wonder I haven’t been writing in here. There’s simply not a whole lot to write about. 🙂
Til the next time,
Judee
Sunday Scatterings: Hidden Blessings
Okay, I’ll try to get through this without too many typing errors, I’m not used to this keyboard. Those few faithful followers have probably been wondering where I’ve been? Well, I’ll tell you. Right here, but with my desktop kaput.
A couple of weeks (or so) ago, I got up as usual, headed for my beautiful and beloved desktop computer, and turned it on. It sounded like someone revving an old engine without a muffler. rrrrrRRRRRRRrrrrRRRRRrrrrr… A couple of revs and then nothing, all silent, it wouldn’t come on. I repeated this a couple of times, it really made the effort, but then I started smelling something kind of like metal burning so I stopped.
This was all too familiar. A bit of back story I bought the computer from Dell. Now, I know a lot of people either hate Dell or love it. I’m a big fan, myself. I’ve had Dell computers for years, and the customer service has always been great here.
When I bought it,three years ago, it was top of the line. First generation i7 processor, 6 Go DDR3 Ram, two .75 Tb HD’s (1.5 Tb total) and not one but two NVidea cards, each with 1 go video memory. Other bells and whistles I can’t remember at the moment. At that time, the current special was a 3 year parts and service warranty at no cost. I took it, because I know I’m hard on computers, running them for an average of 16 hours a day.
One year after purchase, the cooling system sprang a leak. It was exactly the same as two weeks ago. rrRRRrrrRRRRrrrr… The very next day, they brought a replacement part and installed it, and it has been fine until a few weeks ago. Recognizing the symptoms, I checked at the base of the computer and sure enough, there was a leak.
So where is the hidden blessing, you ask? Well, I called Dell. My warranty was good until July 25th, so I fully expected them to get someone to me the next day with another cooling system. I told the representative what happened, and that it had happened before, etc. He said, yes, but there might be other damage, the motherboard, other problems. I insisted that no, the other time, they just replaced the cooler and all was well for the past 2 years. He said he’s have to check with a higher up and get back to me.
About an hour later he called back, saying that the computer would have to be checked out in the factory and they didn’t have the right parts and so instead, they would send me an invoice for a new computer. At first I didn’t understand – I told them I didn’t want a new computer, had no intention of buying one. They patiently explained it would be at no cost. They would send me the invoice, I would sign off on it and send it back and they would then send a new computer.
I admit, I was a bit skeptic, but agreed. I checked their website and though much has progressed since my PC, it was still top end and there wasn’t a lot that came standard with the same elements. Imagine my surprise when I got the invoice and discovered they were sending me a top of the line AlienWare Aurora computer with all the bells and whistles. I checked out every detail, and they all surpass my dear desktop. Third generation i7 processor, much faster than the original, 8 Go DDr3 Ram with a higher speed, two 1Go NVidea cards of the latest generation. Two 1 Tb HD’s and other bells and whistles. I checked AlienWare and this is their top of the line PC of the moment. Oh and a years guarantee to boot.
So, blessing in disguise? Sure sounds like it to me. It was delivered on Friday and still in the box. I’ve never seen such a huge box, and will enjoy getting it set up, hopefully today, if my daughter and I can manage to lift it out of the box and onto the desk.It may take awhile for me to get it set up, and I probably won’t post a lot in the next few weeks, but I’ll try to be better about it.
With all that, what have I been doing the past few weeks? Judee living without a computer? Impossible! Fortunately my ex left his portable here for me (he has no internet and comes here to use my wi-fi to check his mail) so I had access, but none of my bookmarks, no email, no games, nada. It wasn’t enough.
As Serendipity would have it, there were sales all over on notebook PCs so I just went out and bought one. That is what I’m typing on now. I’ve been setting it up with links and a few necessary programs, and will use it for backup in the future, and also as a pc to take to bed with me once I have a bed I can sit up in. Hey, one of the reasons I spend so much time on my desktop is because at night I like to listen to audiobooks and don’t want to load them onto my Kindle because of battery use. So now I have a portable audiobook. 😀
I know, excuses, excuses. Actually, though, just before my PC went kaput, I had been looking at the sales, thinking it might be time for a notebook pc, to get one while they were on sale so I’d have it when I move. This just helped me along a bit.
Speaking of moving, I’ve found an apartment I like, a lot, as in very much, as in I would really like to live there. But my house isn’t sold yet. I’m returning on Monday to give it a second look and check out a few more details. Even though my house isn’t sold, I’m hoping I can work something out with the realtor, bank whatever. I’ll be talking to the realtor on Tuesday, so wish me luck. I’ll be very happy if it works out. If it doesn’t? Well, then it means it just wasn’t the right place after all. I truly believe things happen in the right timing – why look at this PC incident. One month before warranty ran out and I get a brand new PC!
Life is such a wonder, don’t you think?
And don’t worry, I have backups on external HDs of everything important, it will just take awhile to re-install everything
I’ll try to be more active on here once my new PC is set up. Meanwhile I do miss my WP friends and favorites. I’ve secretly dropped by a few of your sites, but not left messages, sorry. This is the most I’ve typed on this little keyboard, and I’m still fumbling, making typos all over, even more than usual. 😉
Just know I’ll be back and up and running (well, walking anyway) strolling through the recent faves, as soon as I can. And I’ll give an update on the sleep thing, too, but my fingers are fumbled out at the moment.
Meanwhile, have a great week!
Sunday Scatterings: Not Lost
Okay, okay, I’ve been terribly absent the past couple of weeks. I did do some writing around one or two weeks ago? Gosh how much time has passed?
Since my last SS post, I have posted three times in here, just scroll down to see them, all about my Sleep Study, and then the Results, plus I caught up with Cee’s Share Your World, three in one!
I also managed a few creative writing exercises/ challenges since my last SS post. You can find them at write tuit. I’m trying to do what I can, not always the same challenge, but timing is the biggest element as to whether I get something done. So, I’ve managed one entry for the 100WCGU, Helping Hands. For the Saturday Centus, I’ve managed two in the past few weeks, Texas Pleasure and Recipe Lost. The most recent was for Friday Fictioneers, about Rainbow Fairies.
So, you ask, what have I been busy with? Well, for awhile there, I really thought we had a buyer for the house. So I kinda went crazy looking for an apartment to buy. I even visited one and set up appointments to visit three others. But then, after a week without word from the prospective buyers, who had come to see the house twice at rather inconvenient times, they decided against it.
Yes, I was really disappointed. Plus I had talked to the bank and they are concerned about my disability in terms of how much they will lend me to buy an apartment, so I have to talk to a financial counselor who knows the Disability laws here and can find a bank that will work for me. Not impossible, just more busy work and hunting. This weekend I’ve decided to just let it go and not worry about it.
Oh! I almost forgot to mention – I got my breathing apparatus, for my sleeping time. It’s fairly simple, and I got the least bothersome “mask” to use. It only covers my nose. I’m to try it out and see if it works okay. If I end up breathing through my mouth a lot I may have to change masks, but hopefully not as this one seems fairly comfortable.
I haven’t tried it yet. i picked it up on Saturday and didn’t have the courage to assemble it until today, so tonight will be my first try with it. I’ll let you know how it goes.
Meanwhile, sorry I haven’t been visiting much. My mind has been on other things for awhile.
Be well, be happy, and above all, enjoy!
Judee
Sunday Scatterings 04.22.12
Well, well, well… ahem. Yes, I can count. I’ve missed not one, but two Sundays in my Scatterings. So much for good intentions. 😉
So, catching up, here are my posts from the past 3 weeks. Sadly not a whole lot, but hey, that’s okay. It is what it is. 🙂
in tuit You can just scroll down the main page or click on the links to see that since my last SS on April 1st, I’ve posted only four times in this particular blog. A Word About Awards was a difficult decision for me, because I do appreciate your kindness. I need to update the awards page, too, with more thank yous. I wish I had more time and energy to play the games, but hey, maybe later. In Rambling: Sleepless Night I admit, it was a bit of a pouring out, and I was so surprised at how many of you offered your support and encouragement and good ole zen feelings. It really did help. So of course, the next post was properly titled Feeling Better. 🙂 Just in time for my birthday on April 9th, when I turned Sixty.
a round tuit Alas, only one post in my art blog. And of course, it’s a Sunday Post: Blossom. The funny thing is, I’ve been concentrating on some art programs which is part of the reason there is so little – I’m having to figure out and learn the programs, install stuff, etc. It all takes time. But maybe I’ll have some time this week, we’ll see.
write tuit Usually my most prolific blog, due to all the interesting writing challenges, I’m rather sorry to say that in the past three weeks, I’ve only participated in three challenges. At least they were each a different one. Trying not to play favorites, cause they are all my favorites, but I also have to go with the inspiration of the moment. In Julia’s 100 Word Challenge for Grownups, thank goodness we had two weeks, so I was able to get my short tale, Daddy’s Girl in on time. Just under the wire. I only managed one Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Madison Woods. And even though it was for a Friday, the title was Wednesday. The most recent writing challenge for this period is one hosted by Chris Donner. She comes up with some really different and interesting challenges for the “I Always Wanted to Write” – or – IAWTW challenge. Reunion was my offering for the most recent one. Three tales in three weeks. I know… gotta pull myself together!
tuit dreams I’ve actually been dreaming a lot recently, but not capturing them when I wake. Well, we all dream every night, of course, but I mean, I’ve been waking with dreams in my mind and then just losing them with the movement of the day. I really need to work on that. The two I managed to capture and write down are Vampire and Job Interview. I also had a dream about an apartment I had looked at online, but didn’t record it because I couldn’t remember anything other than that it was about that apartment. Makes me think I should go take a look at it, at least.
Life Adapted Yeah, I know, the rarest of the rare, I actually posted in this blog. A post on Cancer Survivorship Today which even includes a short video. I had such plans for that blog, but for some reason, I seem to get writers block or rather bloggers block when it comes to posting in it. I think I have so much to say that I just don’t know where to start.
So there you are, a summation fo my last three weeks blogging posts. I’ve also been very lax in reading blogs – just haven’t had a lot of time.
So what have I been doing instead? Well, I already mentioned one thing – installing and watching videos to learn some new elements of a computer graphics program, but especially downloading content to use in it. I know that doesn’t make a lot of sense to you, but it will eventually. I have a lot of content to download, and it just takes time. And more time. and more time.
I’ve also been doing some sorting at home – and that’s tricky, because I have to balance out the work to be done with my physical limitations. My daughters are helping. The one who is working and living in her own apartment has been coming over on the weekends and she and her sister have been going through “stuff” – mostly their own til now, but they’re beginning to get to the stuff I will be giving input on. But there are certain things they can’t help with – like my clothes, and my books.
You wouldn’t believe how many clothes I have that I’ve not even thought of wearing is at least 5 years or longer. They still fit – well, most of them. Some are too small, and some are too big, (that was a surprise!) but most still fit, yet I never wear them. So out they go. I really want to move as “lightly” as possible when I finally do find an apartment (and of course get the house sold).
And books! I know I can’t possible take them all with me. And with my eyesight problems, I really do better reading on the Kindle. But some books I just can’t let go of, even if the print is too small for me. I love my Kindle, but it’s just not the same as being able to flip through the pages of a book. I’m trying to whittle them down to where they will all fit into one tall bookshelf with 6 or 7 rows. Just my favorites. Just so I can occasionally pick them up and fan the pages.
Nostalgia? Yes, but only with books. Everything else will be either given away or thrown away – if I haven’t used it in the past few years, I’m not likely to use it ever, so out it goes.
I want my next home/apartment to be clutter free, simple, cozy, and comfortable, with just the bare essentials. I can almost taste the anticipation of letting go of all this accumulated weight from the past. And it feels good.
The blogging isn’t on hold, it’s just whittled down a bit, like everything else. I give it what attention I can, while moving back and forth with daily life – blogging and reading, sorting and resting, real estate discussions and apartment hunting, doctor appointments, groceries, being creative, learning programs, playing games, this and that, whatever falls into the moment.
Because ultimately, the moment is all there is.
So in this moment, I am signing off and wishing you all a fine week of lovely moments.
Judee
Feeling Better
Thank you, each of you who commented on my last Rambling post, and thank you to those bloggers out there who helped me feel better just through reading their blogs.
Synchronicity is a funny thing – when you really really need something, it comes to you. I needed to refocus, find my center, and so when I finally had a moment to just go to the WP panel and scan through the Blogs I Read, what a joy it was to find posts that seemed to speak directly to me and how I was feeling, reminding me that each moment is just a passage through life, some good, some bad, but all eventually balancing out.
Of course, getting a couple of good night’s sleep helped too. 😉
This weekend, I’m letting it all go. What does that mean? It means I’m going to simply live in the moment, not worry about apartments or packing or money. I know it will all work out, so I am allowing myself a few days to just trust in what I know.
It’s so easy to get caught up in the rush of thought, worry, plans, decisions. Yes, as we move through life we do have to make decisions, choices, we do have to plan at least to a certain degree. But we also have to learn to trust that even if what we “plan” doesn’t pan out, it simply means that something else, something better, is on the horizon.
Last year, I found an announcement about some apartments being built near here, in a town that is dear to my heart because it’s the first place I lived in Switzerland. The precise location itself wasn’t perfect, it was across from the railway, which meant trains passing, but I liked the plans they showed, and the price was right, because it was to be purchased in advance, with a construction credit. It seemed too good to be true.
It was. The bank turned me down – mainly because of my income, which is disability payment and nothing else. It didn’t matter that once my house would have sold, I’d have enough to pay for 80% of the apartment, thus my loan would have been very low. They said they couldn’t count on that, as long as my house wasn’t sold. In addition, I’m supposed to get alimony from my ex, but they didn’t count that either, and rightly so, because I haven’t had an alimony payment in over two years due to his financial straits. Of course, they didn’t know that. And at the time my ex had been trying to get funding for a new business, so I thought I’d eventually get the alimony back. But they were right. That was money I couldn’t count on.
I was heartbroken. I drive by the construction site often, and have watched it going up – it will be ready in July. The layout of the apartment would have been just right for me. But perhaps, not the location across from the train. I’d lived near the trains before and I remember the roar of sound as they passed by. this apartment was about the same distance. It has since occurred to me that I really don’t want that kind of noise in my life. Wherever I move it will be someplace quiet.
The funny thing is, when I met the realtor who is handling the sale of my house, we also discussed what I was looking for in an apartment, and we discussed new v/s old, etc. He said a lot of the newer apartments going up are in less than ideal locations, simply because there is no place left to put them. (Switzerland is very small) And all of a sudden he mentioned the exact apartments I wanted to buy into, as an example of what I wouldn’t want. He said, “I can’t imagine you would want something like that, so close to the trains, would you?” And I smiled inwardly as i said, “No, of course not.”
Because it’s true. I don’t want to live in a noise polluted area. And I don’t think I fully realized it until he mentioned those exact apartments. Why those? I think it was a reminder to me that even our disappointments can sometimes be for the best.
I think I will try to remain open minded about my future apartment. I’ve been determined to stay in a particular area, hoping to remain equal distance between my daughters – but honestly, they are adults now, they have their lives, and they won’t be visiting me any more often if I’m close than if I’m far. (and far here means maybe an hour’s drive.)
Trust doesn’t come easy, but it can develop over the years. I’ve learned to trust in what I call rightness.
The right buyer, the right apartment for me, the right timing for it all. It will happen in rightness, because that is what my life has shown me these past 60 years. Everything happens in rightness.
-and so it is-
Blessings and rightness to each of you!
Judee
in tuit 