Tag Archives: thoughts

Sunday Scatterings 04.29.12

Okay, I ran late this week, and no excuses, and I’m also cheating and dating this Sunday instead of Monday morning when I’m writing it. Don’t you love that date option? It’s great for recording past dreams and having them display on the date you dreamed them.

Speaking of which, tuit dreams now has two more dreams, both from this past week. Tornado Watch was quite a breathtaking ride, and City Visitations, where the word “visitation” takes on a whole new meaning. Do you ever feel like loved ones who have passed on still visit you in dreams? I do, most definitely. They don’t usually have anything important to say, but they always leave me with a sense of comfort at having visited with them, no matter what form the dream takes, or even if they are simply secondary characters in it.

A very creative blogger got me inspired this week to take out my Photoshop and Apophysis renders and play with a base image offered for play. you can see what I did at a round tuit, with my post Freaky Zen Inspiration.

Writing, of the creative kind, has, alas, been a bit on hold while I do other kinds of writing, of the filling out forms kind. But I couldn’t resist Jenny Matlock’s latest prompt, and just had to participate with my offering for Saturday Centus: Texas at write tuit.

Scattered Thoughts:

So what have I been doing?  Well, I’ve been on the Swiss version of Disability since around 2006, which was fine until my ex lost his work and could no longer send me alimony. Don’t worry, we’re on good terms, and he gives me all his papers to prove his finances, the guy really is in debt up to his ears. But the way it has affected me is that I now have a very limited income and all the bills associated with a house that is too big for me. Even with an apartment, rent around her is more than I  get for Disability, which is why they have what loosely translates to Supplemental disability, for those who don’t have a second income (spouse or alimony) or fortune or pension plan, etc..

It took a lot of paperwork, and having to prove that my ex wasn’t hiding money from me, but I was finally accepted. The Supplemental income won’t make me rich, but it helps. It’s individually based on need, and a very balanced system. The supplemental income is just enough to get by on, but enough is just that – enough, and a wonderful relief!

And there are other benefits that are even more important than the income itself – the Supplemental program pays my basic health insurance, and the deductible. It also pays for home help, assistance with whatever I need help for out of the home, like help getting groceries and someone to wash my hair for me and basically whatever else I might need to allow me to stay independent. Some of it I don’t need yet, but once the house is sold (and that’s a must, as it’s on 3 floors and I need a “flat” apartment) my daughter will no longer be with me so I’ll need some of those services then.

I cannot tell you what a relief it is to have this. It assures me that I will have the help I need. And when I sell the house and buy an apartment, it will be adjusted accordingly, so no worries there. I am truly blessed. It may have been a long road, and I understand why they can’t just give this away, but at last it’s final and I can breathe again.

Of course, it also means more forms to fill out, lol, and past insurance payments to copy and send in (It’s retroactive to January of this year which is when I applied for it) and I’ve been busy with that and a few other things like doctor visits and such. (No worries, routine)

On Monday (shh, that’s today actually) I’m going in to do a Sleep Analysis, not because I’ve had trouble sleeping, as that is pretty much explainable, but because I wake up with numbness in my face and my hands crisped into fists up against my chest. I told the doctor and he wants to see what goes on with me at night, if I could be sleeping in a way that cuts off circulation or whatever, and if I’m crisped up all night or just in the morning, etc. Should be interesting, I’ve never done anything like it before – they put electrodes all over you and film you sleeping – eek. I hope I don’t do anything too disgusting, like snore really loud. I guess I’ll find out, lol.

Anyway, no promises, but I hope to pick up some writing again soon, I love doing the challenges. And I’m also wanting to do some artwork. But wanting is far from actually doing, so I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

Thanks for the visit, and you all have a great week!

Judee

Sunday Scatterings 04.22.12

Well, well, well… ahem. Yes, I can count. I’ve missed not one, but two Sundays in my Scatterings. So much for good intentions. 😉

So, catching up, here are my posts from the past 3 weeks. Sadly not a whole lot, but hey, that’s okay. It is what it is. 🙂

in tuit   You can just scroll down the main page or click on the links to see that since my last SS on April 1st, I’ve posted only four times in this particular blog. A Word About Awards was a difficult decision for me, because I do appreciate your kindness. I need to update the awards page, too, with more thank yous. I wish I had more time and energy to play the games, but hey, maybe later. In Rambling: Sleepless Night I admit, it was a bit of a pouring out, and I was so surprised at how many of you offered your support and encouragement and good ole zen feelings. It really did help. So of course, the next post was properly titled Feeling Better. 🙂  Just in time for my birthday on April 9th, when I turned Sixty.

a round tuit  Alas, only one post in my art blog. And of course, it’s a Sunday Post: Blossom. The funny thing is, I’ve been concentrating on some art programs which is part of the reason there is so little – I’m having to figure out and learn the programs, install stuff, etc. It all takes time. But maybe I’ll have some time this week, we’ll see.

write tuit  Usually my most prolific blog, due to all the interesting writing challenges, I’m rather sorry to say that in the past three weeks, I’ve only participated in three challenges. At least they were each a different one. Trying not to play favorites, cause they are all my favorites, but I also have to go with the inspiration of the moment. In Julia’s 100 Word Challenge for Grownups, thank goodness we had two weeks, so I was able to get my short tale, Daddy’s Girl in on time. Just under the wire.  I only managed one Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Madison Woods. And even though it was for a Friday, the title was Wednesday.  The most recent writing challenge for this period is one hosted by Chris Donner. She comes up with some really different and interesting challenges for the “I Always Wanted to Write” – or – IAWTW challenge. Reunion was my offering for the most recent one. Three tales in three weeks. I know… gotta pull myself together!

tuit dreams  I’ve actually been dreaming a lot recently, but not capturing them when I wake. Well, we all dream every night, of course, but I mean, I’ve been waking with dreams in my mind and then just losing them with the movement of the day. I really need to work on that. The two I managed to capture and write down are Vampire and Job Interview. I also had a dream about an apartment I had looked at online, but didn’t record it because I couldn’t remember anything other than that it was about that apartment. Makes me think I should go take a look at it, at least.

Life Adapted  Yeah, I know, the rarest of the rare, I actually posted in this blog. A post on Cancer Survivorship Today which even includes a short video. I had such plans for that blog, but for some reason, I seem to get writers block or rather bloggers block when it comes to posting in it. I think I have so much to say that I just don’t know where to start.

So there you are, a summation fo my last three weeks blogging posts. I’ve also been very lax in reading blogs – just haven’t had a lot of time.

So what have I been doing instead? Well, I already mentioned one thing – installing and watching videos to learn some new elements of a computer graphics program, but especially downloading content to use in it. I know that doesn’t make a lot of sense to you, but it will eventually. I have a lot of content to download, and it just takes time. And more time. and more time.

I’ve also been doing some sorting at home – and that’s tricky, because I have to balance out the work to be done with my physical limitations. My daughters are helping. The one who is working and living in her own apartment has been coming over on the weekends and she and her sister have been going through “stuff” – mostly their own til now, but they’re beginning to get to the stuff I will be giving input on. But there are certain things they can’t help with – like my clothes, and my books.

You wouldn’t believe how many clothes I have that I’ve not even thought of wearing is at least 5 years or longer. They still fit – well, most of them. Some are too small, and some are too big, (that was a surprise!) but most still fit, yet I never wear them. So out they go. I really want to move as “lightly” as possible when I finally do find an apartment (and of course get the house sold).

And books! I know I can’t possible take them all with me. And with my eyesight problems, I really do better reading on the Kindle. But some books I just can’t let go of, even if the print is too small for me. I love my Kindle, but it’s just not the same as being able to flip through the pages of a book. I’m trying to whittle them down to where they will all fit into one tall bookshelf with 6 or 7 rows.  Just my favorites. Just so I can occasionally pick them up and fan the pages.

Nostalgia? Yes, but only with books. Everything else will be either given away or thrown away – if I haven’t used it in the past few years, I’m not likely to use it ever, so out it goes.

I want my next home/apartment to be clutter free, simple, cozy, and comfortable, with just the bare essentials. I can almost taste the anticipation of letting go of all this accumulated weight from the past. And it feels good.

The blogging isn’t on hold, it’s just whittled down a bit, like everything else. I give it what attention I can, while moving back and forth with daily life – blogging and reading, sorting and resting, real estate discussions and apartment hunting, doctor appointments, groceries, being creative, learning programs, playing games, this and that, whatever falls into the moment.

Because ultimately, the moment is all there is.

So in this moment, I am signing off and wishing you all a fine week of lovely moments.

Judee

Feeling Better

Thank you, each of you who commented on my last Rambling post, and thank you to those bloggers out there who helped me feel better just through reading their blogs.

Synchronicity is a funny thing – when you really really need something, it comes to you. I needed to refocus, find my center, and so when I finally had a moment to just go to the WP panel and scan through the Blogs I Read, what a joy it was to find posts that seemed to speak directly to me and how I was feeling, reminding me that each moment is just a passage through life, some good, some bad, but all eventually balancing out.

Of course, getting a couple of good night’s sleep helped too. 😉

This weekend, I’m letting it all go. What does that mean? It means I’m going to simply live in the moment, not worry about apartments or packing or money. I know it will all work out, so I am allowing myself a few days to just trust in what I know.

It’s so easy to get caught up in the rush of thought, worry, plans, decisions. Yes, as we move through life we do have to make decisions, choices, we do have to plan at least to a certain degree. But we also have to learn to trust that even if what we “plan” doesn’t pan out, it simply means that something else, something better, is on the horizon.

Last year, I found an announcement about some apartments being built near here, in a town that is dear to my heart because it’s the first place I lived in Switzerland. The precise location itself wasn’t perfect, it was across from the railway, which meant trains passing, but I liked the plans they showed, and the price was right, because it was to be purchased in advance, with a construction credit. It seemed too good to be true.

It was. The bank turned me down – mainly because of my income, which is disability payment and nothing else. It didn’t matter that once my house would have sold, I’d have enough to pay for 80% of the apartment, thus my loan would have been very low.  They said they couldn’t count on that, as long as my house wasn’t sold. In addition, I’m supposed to get alimony from my ex, but they didn’t count that either, and rightly so, because I haven’t had an alimony payment in over two years due to his financial straits. Of course, they didn’t know that. And at the time my ex had been trying to get funding for a new business, so I thought I’d eventually get the alimony back. But they were right. That was money I couldn’t count on.

I was heartbroken. I drive by the construction site often, and have watched it going up – it will be ready in July. The layout of the apartment would have been just right for me. But perhaps, not the location across from the train. I’d lived near the trains before and I remember the roar of sound as they passed by. this apartment was about the same distance. It has since occurred to me that I really don’t want that kind of noise in my life. Wherever I move it will be someplace quiet.

The funny thing is, when I met the realtor who is handling the sale of my house, we also discussed what I was looking for in an apartment, and we discussed new v/s old, etc. He said a lot of the newer apartments going up are in less than ideal locations, simply because there is no place left to put them. (Switzerland is very small) And all of a sudden he mentioned the exact apartments I wanted to buy into, as an example of what I wouldn’t want. He said, “I can’t imagine you would want something like that, so close to the trains, would you?” And I smiled inwardly as i said, “No, of course not.”

Because it’s true. I don’t want to live in a noise polluted area. And I don’t think I fully realized it until he mentioned those exact apartments. Why those? I think it was a reminder to me that even our disappointments can sometimes be for the best.

I think I will try to remain open minded about my future apartment. I’ve been determined to stay in a particular area, hoping to remain equal distance between my daughters – but honestly, they are adults now, they have their lives, and they won’t be visiting me any more often if I’m close than if I’m far. (and far here means maybe an hour’s drive.)

Trust doesn’t come easy, but it can develop over the years. I’ve learned to trust in what I call rightness.

The right buyer, the right apartment for me, the right timing for it all. It will happen in rightness, because that is what my life has shown me these past 60 years.  Everything happens in rightness.

-and so it is-

Blessings and rightness to each of you!
Judee

Re-inventing the past?

I read something recently where it was suggested that people who have problems based on their past history, simply re-invent the past. By that, the idea was to take a painful memory, and change it, replay it over and over in your head in a new happier version. Apparently, this will take the edge off the sting from the past and you will feel better in general.

Now, I admit it sounded like maybe it could work. And I imagine for people who have suffered abuse or other terrible events that are holding them back from progressing in life, perhaps it could be a good thing. But… re-inventing the past? Where does it stop? Do we tell out children, if you’re sad because Janie said something mean to you, just pretend she gave you a compliment and it will all go away?

I’m not so much challenging the idea as wondering what others think about it. Do you think it could be a useful tool for trauma victims? Would it even work in their case, when the triggering event is so firmly rooted in their memory?

What about the small stuff? Small, but persistent. Imagine that as a boy or girl of 16 you missed the Prom, and all your friends attended but you. And what if you found yourself 10 years later, still shy, still feeling bad about yourself, low self esteem, all because of that one event? So, someone tells you, hey, you can just re-invent the past. So you do. You daydream that you did go to the prom, with an old crush of yours, and you imagine it in all detail, and re-live it over and over in your imagination. And what if, doing that, you find yourself more open to others, feeling better about yourself?

Is that okay? I’m really questioning this, because I honestly don’t know.

Personally, I want to keep all of my memories just as they are. But I also realize that we humans, in general, already do some re-inventing, some of it conscious, some not.

I once wrote a story, supposedly fiction, about the one most painful experience I had ever encountered in my life. And I changed the ending – it was fiction, after all. I changed it to what I would have wanted it to be, instead of what it was. Still terribly painful, but with a resolution of sorts. I didn’t pretend to myself that it had actually happened that way, but writing that story was a catharsis for me. The old pain didn’t so much as lessen as it was my way of resolving an inner sorrow of how things had been handled by me. I know the truth of the past, but this re-invention helped me abundantly, without changing the past – but mainly because I knew it was fiction. I can’t even imagine trying to convince myself that things happened that way. The idea of doing so is almost like… blasphemy. I own that past, it is part of me, and if in retrospect I might have chosen to do it differently, I didn’t do so at the time. I need to remember the truth, to own it, because it is my moment, and it’s honest.

So… what about when we re-invent the past unconsciously?  Do you realize that memories can change with time? Sometimes it’s in little ways, other times it can be in big ways. We remember the events of our lives, some more clearly than others, because they are implanted into our brain cells – but the more we replay them, do they become more implanted? Or does our changing perspective sometimes change the memories, ever so slightly, so that you don’t really realize it – and the next time a little bit more, and so on.

Think of the whispering game where there are a line of people, one gets a message, then whispers it into the ear of the next one, and so on, so that at the end of the line, the message is often very different.

I’ve seen this happen. And I have proof that it does – well, not scientific proof, just my own experience. I’ve kept written journals since I was 15, often filled with details of events past. I don’t read them. I have occasionally skimmed them to find recorded dreams, but in general I am not one to go back and read my past – though I imagine it would be interesting one day.

However – on more than one occasion, something or other would trigger a memory, and take me back to a past moment – usually something long past, as in 20 or 30 years ago. I would daydream about it a bit, remembering what happened, mostly good memories. I’m sure it happens to you from time to time. Well, one day I decided to check up on a memory.

The memory itself doesn’t matter, just that it was pleasant and very clear, and I saw myself in a particular way, handling a situation with a certain amount of wisdom for my then young age. I decided to check it out, as I knew it was something I would have recorded in my journal. I knew the approximate timing of it and I found the entry in one of my notebooks. Imagine my surprise when I actually read it. Not only was I not as wise and adult as I remembered, but I had recorded a completely different perspective on the whole situation.The details were more or less the same, but the “me” I remembered was not.

So after that, I occasionally checked back on my memories. Some of them were exact, some not. There didn’t seem to be a specific element that I could spot as to why certain memories were different, and others not, nothing tieing them in together. All I know is that our memory does play tricks on us. We do, ourselves, in the most natural way, re-invent the past.

So, back to the original question – is it a good thing, a bad thing or simply one of those “each person’s choice” things, to want to consciously re-invent the past? If we do it already to a degree, why not do it as a kind of self therapy? I don’t have an answer, and I think it really is something that would have to be a personal choice. Still, something in me finds it worrisome, that we could so easily dismiss the lessons of our past. Because aren’t they just as much what make us who we are today as the easy times? Perhaps even moreso.

Personally, I wouldn’t change a moment. And I’ve had some painful ones, believe me – if you’re my age or near it, you will have too. No one gets through life unscathed, but I’m proud of  my scars, because they are part of what forged me. Part of who I am.

Thoughts, anyone?