What is it about the turning over of one number on a calendar that makes us want to review our life of the year before and make “resolutions” to either improve our life or change something to make it better?
I don’t make New Years resolutions. Even so, I find myself thinking things like, “This year I will come to my WordPress Blog and I will post more often, I will make an effort to visit other blogs, be more present.”
1966 age 14
Life is a series of first times, that begin when we are born. First breath, first cry, first word, first step, so many firsts that fill out moments as we grow. Some firsts are considered milestones, many are not. I may include several of those in this RAM series, after all, we tend to remember first times more easily than others, because they are moments that are, at the time of happening, unique to us. As life goes on and we experience the same event more and more, it loses the impact of that first time.
The following is about my first period, and a terrible event that happened almost simultaneously, and how the two are forever intertwined in my mind. If you are male, and squeamish about women’s bodily functions, it may be best not to continue reading, though I promise it’s not that bad. I’m not embarrassed, so you shouldn’t be either. 😉
I wonder how many blogs will be posting New Years Resolutions for 2013? A bunch, I bet. It’s tradition, after all. And because it’s tradition, it often becomes something done by rote, without any real thought. We make a list of things we want to do or accomplish, things we want to change about our life, our behavior. All with good intentions.
The problem with good intentions and with most resolutions is that they lack the fullness of resolve. No matter how sincere our intentions, our resolutions, without a sense of resolve they are just words on a list.
Have you made such a list? If so, how many of the resolutions on your list are based on wishing or hoping or simply good intentions for improvement, and how many actually have a sense of resolve attached to them?
Resolve goes beyond intent. Resolve gives a sense of purpose, of determination. You feel resolve deep within you. If you read over your list of resolutions, and pay attention to what you feel in your body, you will find that most of them are felt in your head. Maybe a few in the heart.
Okay, I’ll try to get through this without too many typing errors, I’m not used to this keyboard. Those few faithful followers have probably been wondering where I’ve been? Well, I’ll tell you. Right here, but with my desktop kaput.
A couple of weeks (or so) ago, I got up as usual, headed for my beautiful and beloved desktop computer, and turned it on. It sounded like someone revving an old engine without a muffler. rrrrrRRRRRRRrrrrRRRRRrrrrr… A couple of revs and then nothing, all silent, it wouldn’t come on. I repeated this a couple of times, it really made the effort, but then I started smelling something kind of like metal burning so I stopped.
This was all too familiar. A bit of back story I bought the computer from Dell. Now, I know a lot of people either hate Dell or love it. I’m a big fan, myself. I’ve had Dell computers for years, and the customer service has always been great here.
When I bought it,three years ago, it was top of the line. First generation i7 processor, 6 Go DDR3 Ram, two .75 Tb HD’s (1.5 Tb total) and not one but two NVidea cards, each with 1 go video memory. Other bells and whistles I can’t remember at the moment. At that time, the current special was a 3 year parts and service warranty at no cost. I took it, because I know I’m hard on computers, running them for an average of 16 hours a day.
One year after purchase, the cooling system sprang a leak. It was exactly the same as two weeks ago. rrRRRrrrRRRRrrrr… The very next day, they brought a replacement part and installed it, and it has been fine until a few weeks ago. Recognizing the symptoms, I checked at the base of the computer and sure enough, there was a leak.
So where is the hidden blessing, you ask? Well, I called Dell. My warranty was good until July 25th, so I fully expected them to get someone to me the next day with another cooling system. I told the representative what happened, and that it had happened before, etc. He said, yes, but there might be other damage, the motherboard, other problems. I insisted that no, the other time, they just replaced the cooler and all was well for the past 2 years. He said he’s have to check with a higher up and get back to me.
About an hour later he called back, saying that the computer would have to be checked out in the factory and they didn’t have the right parts and so instead, they would send me an invoice for a new computer. At first I didn’t understand – I told them I didn’t want a new computer, had no intention of buying one. They patiently explained it would be at no cost. They would send me the invoice, I would sign off on it and send it back and they would then send a new computer.
I admit, I was a bit skeptic, but agreed. I checked their website and though much has progressed since my PC, it was still top end and there wasn’t a lot that came standard with the same elements. Imagine my surprise when I got the invoice and discovered they were sending me a top of the line AlienWare Aurora computer with all the bells and whistles. I checked out every detail, and they all surpass my dear desktop. Third generation i7 processor, much faster than the original, 8 Go DDr3 Ram with a higher speed, two 1Go NVidea cards of the latest generation. Two 1 Tb HD’s and other bells and whistles. I checked AlienWare and this is their top of the line PC of the moment. Oh and a years guarantee to boot.
So, blessing in disguise? Sure sounds like it to me. It was delivered on Friday and still in the box. I’ve never seen such a huge box, and will enjoy getting it set up, hopefully today, if my daughter and I can manage to lift it out of the box and onto the desk.It may take awhile for me to get it set up, and I probably won’t post a lot in the next few weeks, but I’ll try to be better about it.
With all that, what have I been doing the past few weeks? Judee living without a computer? Impossible! Fortunately my ex left his portable here for me (he has no internet and comes here to use my wi-fi to check his mail) so I had access, but none of my bookmarks, no email, no games, nada. It wasn’t enough.
As Serendipity would have it, there were sales all over on notebook PCs so I just went out and bought one. That is what I’m typing on now. I’ve been setting it up with links and a few necessary programs, and will use it for backup in the future, and also as a pc to take to bed with me once I have a bed I can sit up in. Hey, one of the reasons I spend so much time on my desktop is because at night I like to listen to audiobooks and don’t want to load them onto my Kindle because of battery use. So now I have a portable audiobook. 😀
I know, excuses, excuses. Actually, though, just before my PC went kaput, I had been looking at the sales, thinking it might be time for a notebook pc, to get one while they were on sale so I’d have it when I move. This just helped me along a bit.
Speaking of moving, I’ve found an apartment I like, a lot, as in very much, as in I would really like to live there. But my house isn’t sold yet. I’m returning on Monday to give it a second look and check out a few more details. Even though my house isn’t sold, I’m hoping I can work something out with the realtor, bank whatever. I’ll be talking to the realtor on Tuesday, so wish me luck. I’ll be very happy if it works out. If it doesn’t? Well, then it means it just wasn’t the right place after all. I truly believe things happen in the right timing – why look at this PC incident. One month before warranty ran out and I get a brand new PC!
Life is such a wonder, don’t you think?
And don’t worry, I have backups on external HDs of everything important, it will just take awhile to re-install everything
I’ll try to be more active on here once my new PC is set up. Meanwhile I do miss my WP friends and favorites. I’ve secretly dropped by a few of your sites, but not left messages, sorry. This is the most I’ve typed on this little keyboard, and I’m still fumbling, making typos all over, even more than usual. 😉
Just know I’ll be back and up and running (well, walking anyway) strolling through the recent faves, as soon as I can. And I’ll give an update on the sleep thing, too, but my fingers are fumbled out at the moment.
Meanwhile, have a great week!
Okay, I ran late this week, and no excuses, and I’m also cheating and dating this Sunday instead of Monday morning when I’m writing it. Don’t you love that date option? It’s great for recording past dreams and having them display on the date you dreamed them.
Speaking of which, tuit dreams now has two more dreams, both from this past week. Tornado Watch was quite a breathtaking ride, and City Visitations, where the word “visitation” takes on a whole new meaning. Do you ever feel like loved ones who have passed on still visit you in dreams? I do, most definitely. They don’t usually have anything important to say, but they always leave me with a sense of comfort at having visited with them, no matter what form the dream takes, or even if they are simply secondary characters in it.
A very creative blogger got me inspired this week to take out my Photoshop and Apophysis renders and play with a base image offered for play. you can see what I did at a round tuit, with my post Freaky Zen Inspiration.
Writing, of the creative kind, has, alas, been a bit on hold while I do other kinds of writing, of the filling out forms kind. But I couldn’t resist Jenny Matlock’s latest prompt, and just had to participate with my offering for Saturday Centus: Texas at write tuit.
So what have I been doing? Well, I’ve been on the Swiss version of Disability since around 2006, which was fine until my ex lost his work and could no longer send me alimony. Don’t worry, we’re on good terms, and he gives me all his papers to prove his finances, the guy really is in debt up to his ears. But the way it has affected me is that I now have a very limited income and all the bills associated with a house that is too big for me. Even with an apartment, rent around her is more than I get for Disability, which is why they have what loosely translates to Supplemental disability, for those who don’t have a second income (spouse or alimony) or fortune or pension plan, etc..
It took a lot of paperwork, and having to prove that my ex wasn’t hiding money from me, but I was finally accepted. The Supplemental income won’t make me rich, but it helps. It’s individually based on need, and a very balanced system. The supplemental income is just enough to get by on, but enough is just that – enough, and a wonderful relief!
And there are other benefits that are even more important than the income itself – the Supplemental program pays my basic health insurance, and the deductible. It also pays for home help, assistance with whatever I need help for out of the home, like help getting groceries and someone to wash my hair for me and basically whatever else I might need to allow me to stay independent. Some of it I don’t need yet, but once the house is sold (and that’s a must, as it’s on 3 floors and I need a “flat” apartment) my daughter will no longer be with me so I’ll need some of those services then.
I cannot tell you what a relief it is to have this. It assures me that I will have the help I need. And when I sell the house and buy an apartment, it will be adjusted accordingly, so no worries there. I am truly blessed. It may have been a long road, and I understand why they can’t just give this away, but at last it’s final and I can breathe again.
Of course, it also means more forms to fill out, lol, and past insurance payments to copy and send in (It’s retroactive to January of this year which is when I applied for it) and I’ve been busy with that and a few other things like doctor visits and such. (No worries, routine)
On Monday (shh, that’s today actually) I’m going in to do a Sleep Analysis, not because I’ve had trouble sleeping, as that is pretty much explainable, but because I wake up with numbness in my face and my hands crisped into fists up against my chest. I told the doctor and he wants to see what goes on with me at night, if I could be sleeping in a way that cuts off circulation or whatever, and if I’m crisped up all night or just in the morning, etc. Should be interesting, I’ve never done anything like it before – they put electrodes all over you and film you sleeping – eek. I hope I don’t do anything too disgusting, like snore really loud. I guess I’ll find out, lol.
Anyway, no promises, but I hope to pick up some writing again soon, I love doing the challenges. And I’m also wanting to do some artwork. But wanting is far from actually doing, so I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.
Thanks for the visit, and you all have a great week!
Well, this has been a bit of a slow week for me, meaning that I had some offline stuff to take care of.. While I know i have no need to apologise, I still feel the need to mention that I am sorry when I miss certain challenges. I had set a kind of weekly goal to participate in certain challenges. Here are the posts for this week:
Sunday Post: Last week’s theme Landscape in a round tuit
Share Your World: this past week, SYW #12 in this blog, in tuit
100 Word challenge from Julia’s Place Leap in write tuit
Friday Fictioneers Flash Fiction Alas, I missed the deadline on this one.
Weekly Photo Challenge Another miss – but I may get it done before next Friday
Saturday Centus this week’s theme Goodbye in write tuit
Dream Journal I added a Page, titled On Dreams
An Award a lovely gesture from Nia who offered me the Kreativ Blogger award, thank you Nia.
Now I find myself in a bit of a conundrum. In addition, to the weekly challenges, I have plans for other kinds of posts in the digital art blog, plans that I haven’t even started on because I seem to be spending all my time on the challenges. I feel like I’m neglecting the artist in me – though I admit I’ve always been more writer than artist, still, I want to express that part of me too, only, it’s not getting much expression. I also have plans for the other blogs, and while there is no hurry, I feel like I’m neglecting them too.
Don’t get me wrong, I love the challenges, all of them, but my energy level has been low for the past couple of weeks, and my mind isn’t as focused as I would like.Plus, I have a series of medical tests that I do every Spring, and a few in the Autumn, and during those periods I tend to find myself exhausted more often than not. So for the next couple of months it may be difficult to participate in all of the challenges. Because participation, for me, means not only doing it, but going to other blogs and reading their posts, too. I am probably not the only one who has discovered how time consuming that can be. It’s good time, and enjoyable, but time nonetheless.
What to do? I don’t want to stop participating, but at the same time, I want to be more expressive in an unscheduled way, too. I know a lot of you out there also participate in these challenges, so my question is, how do you do it? Where do you find the time? Any suggestions for me? I guess I could rotate, but that just doesn’t seem like an answer I want. I missed the deadline for this weeks Friday Fiction and it really made me feel bad, because I love creative writing and want to do it. I’ve also run across other challenges I would like to take part in, but just didn’t feel I could add yet another one.
Then again, that feels like rigid thinking. Maybe I should just stop trying to do it all each week, and go with the flow. It’s how I live my life, so why not let it be how I live my blog? Maybe that is the best solution, at least until all the appointment interruptions are done and I have my energy back. Oh wait, lol, I’m also putting the house on the market and hunting for an apartment to buy. Oh gosh I had forgotten about that. In fact, I need to find sme papers for tomorrow and I haven’t even started looking for them. Scattered Judee…
What on earth possessed me to start five different blogs at this time??? Ha! Gotta love my sense of timing – and yet, the timing is right, I feel it. This is what I need to be doing now, and so I am.
Just so you know – To those of you who host the blogs with challenges, if I don’t take part each week, it doesn’t mean I’ve abandoned your challenge or didn’t like the prompt for the week, it just means I am having to pace myself. For now.
Meanwhile, have a great week!
Last week, out of the blue, I got a message from Carol at adjustingyourfocus, telling me she had nominated my blog for the Awesome Blog Content award! I haven’t been around for very long, but it’s long enough to know that Carol is herself an Awesome blogger, and I’m honored that she thought of me. Go take a peek at Carol’s ABC award page and see what she had to say about herself. She gave some really awesome and well thought out responses in her journey through the alphabet, and is a tough post to follow, so I won’t even try, lol, I’ll just be me and participate in my own unique way – which is the whole point, after all. Thank you Carol for thinking of me, and the opportunity to share a few words. Bless you bunches!
For a little history, the ABC award was originally created by Alyson and David Sheldrake of The Thought Palette. It’s a fun award, because part of its purpose is to get to know one another better, by using the alphabet to say something about ourselves. Words, phrases, paragraphs, whatever suits you. I wasn’t sure what I would come up with, so I just started by writing each letter and listening for a word, and more if it felt right. The answers are short, but each one does say something about me, my way of thinking, my feelings about life. So without further ado, here are my responses…
A is for Alive!
B is for Be still, and know…
C is for Candlelight images dancing in the mind.
D is for Dreams that do come true.
E is for Elsewhere, a special place within.
F is for Feelings, both bad and good.
G is for Giving without expectations.
H is for Healing old wounds.
I is for Intuition, the Inspiration of the mind.
J is for Judee, just judee, just me.
K is for Knowing beyond belief.
L is for Listening to my inner voice.
M is for Music to move the soul.
N is for Now.
O is for Owning who I am.
P is for Pi, an eternal mystery.
Q is for Questions, may there always be more to ask.
R is for Row, Row, Row, your boat, gently down the stream….
S is for Serendipity and sweet Synchronicity.
T is for Tuit, getting a round.
U is for Universe, too huge to Understand.
V is for Veracity, where truth finds itself.
W is for Wishes whispered into the wind.
X is for X-ray vision into the soul.
Y is for Yonder Star.
Z is for Zen.
There you have it, Judee in a nutshell. 🙂
Ah, but there is more to this award – the second part, and probably the easiest and hardest – paying it forward. I have met some astounding people in my short time on this blog, and could already make a long list of people to give this to. Choosing is difficult, but choose I must, so I will choose those who have had the most impact on getting me blogging, creating, writing.
If you are on this list, you may participate, or not. I know some of you may already have received this award, others may not have a place in your blog for such things, and for the rest, I look foreward to reading your personal alphabets with joy. This is just my way of saying thank you for the influence you have had on me in this short time.
In Alphabetical Order (of course)
I’ll be getting in touch with each of you when I have a moment, to let you know. Again, participate or not as the spirit moves you, just know that each of you (and many more) have touched me in some special way. Thank you, and bless you.