I wonder how many blogs will be posting New Years Resolutions for 2013? A bunch, I bet. It’s tradition, after all. And because it’s tradition, it often becomes something done by rote, without any real thought. We make a list of things we want to do or accomplish, things we want to change about our life, our behavior. All with good intentions.
The problem with good intentions and with most resolutions is that they lack the fullness of resolve. No matter how sincere our intentions, our resolutions, without a sense of resolve they are just words on a list.
Have you made such a list? If so, how many of the resolutions on your list are based on wishing or hoping or simply good intentions for improvement, and how many actually have a sense of resolve attached to them?
Resolve goes beyond intent. Resolve gives a sense of purpose, of determination. You feel resolve deep within you. If you read over your list of resolutions, and pay attention to what you feel in your body, you will find that most of them are felt in your head. Maybe a few in the heart.
First of all, I want to wish a very sincere Happy Holidays to all out there. I mean it, I know this time of year is one of family gathering and celebration and many happy feelings. I enjoy seeing festive decorations, look I even put the holiday theme on my blog, what’s not to love?
Well . . .
Okay, I know it looks like I dropped off the face of the earth. I haven’t. Still hanging in there, and besides, gravity won’t let me fall off, so I’m just continuing to do what I do, which these days isn’t a whole lot.
I’m actually thinking of changing the blog/s, doing something new, something to at least just get me in here and working on them. It’s so easy to lose track of time and just drift. Which is pretty much what I’ve been doing. Drifting. Okay, so gravity may keep me from falling up, but it won’t keep me from drifting a bit. Or a lot.
I’ve been really struggling with the breathing issue, and the CPAP machine. I just don’t think we’re a fit, but I’ve been low on energy lately and haven’t had enough fight in me to argue the point with the CPAP doc. It’s his “thing”, he has written papers on it, he tells me I just need to give it a try.
All his talk about “should” being bad and telling me I need to find a motivation for using the machine, well, it didn’t work, because just after that we had a hot spell during the summer, and the mask made me feel like I was going to suffocate, so I didn’t use it, and haven’t touched it since, even though the weather has changed.
So why do I feel like a little kid who didn’t do her homework and now must face the teacher? Sheesh!
I even bought an oxymeter that measures and records oxygen levels over time. I tested it at night without the CPAP and also during the day, being careful not to jostle it. I found out my oxygen during the day is worse than at night, especially when I use the stairs of concentrate on something – because I literally do stop breathing. My GeneralistDoc wanted to give me some kind of oxygen diffuser for at home, but the sleepDoc nixed that idea and told him to have me go see him first. I know what he’s going to say – use the almighty CPAP.
Gosh I didn’t realize how frustrated I was with all this until I started writing here. I don’t usually get intimidated by doctors or anyone else, so this is unusual for me, and I’m not sure where it’s coming from. Maybe it’s because the doctor in question is so . . . earnest. He really believes in his advice, and offers it with such enthusiasm, it’s hard to argue with him. He’s one of those people with presence who would do well standing at a podium speaking about apnea at a convention. Heck, he probably does all that anyway. So when all that positive energy is focused on me, telling me how good it would be for me to try one more time, it’s hard to resist or stand firm.
On the home sale front things are looking up. We’ve had several visits. One couple made an offer, and upped it twice, but it was too low, even at their best price. They wanted to do renovations that aren’t necessary, and felt we should come down on the price so they could afford what they wanted. Nope. I know what the house is worth, and I’m not budging below a certain point.
We’ve had two visits this week, one was a return visit from a couple that is very enthused, and talking to their bank, so I’m hoping for an offer from them, and the other visit was a couple with two small children, looking for a first home. It was harder to tell what they thought, though they did ask a couple of pertinent questions that seemed to indicate they were considering it. I just have to wait and see.
Meanwhile, what am I doing? Biding time, installing programs onto my desktop PC, but still using the notebook for emails and such. And still watching a lot of tv. 😉 It passes the time while I wait for my life to settle into a new apartment and new rhythm.
No wonder I haven’t been writing in here. There’s simply not a whole lot to write about. 🙂
Til the next time,
I have a lot of interests, things I enjoy doing, and of course, never enough time to do them all, but usually I manage to flit around from interest to interest, giving some of my energy here, then a bit there, and it all balances out. No problem, I live at my own rhythm and it works for me.
It may not be routine in the most common sense of the word, because there is no order to the rhythms of my interests. I can spend weeks in writer mode, a day in art mode, 10 days in organizing mode, then 5 days in communication mode, and back to 3 days writer mode and a month art mode, etc. No rhyme or reason to it, I just follow my muse where it takes me. In that way it is kind of like a routine in that it’s a pattern of living that works well for me.
However, every now and then, I get overloaded with outside stuff, interruptions in the flow, unexpected events like computer meltdowns or even expected events like doctor appointments and such. Plus trying to see my house and find an apartment, which takes my focus away from the flow and into territories that are unpredictable in their own way. Necessary disruptions, but disruptions nonetheless.
So what happens when these disruptions interrupt the flow of my living?
I shut down.
Yes, okay, not completely. I deal with the appointments, and even enjoy looking for apartments and I don’t really mind the visits of people coming to see the house, because each time brings hope that it’s the right time, though thus far it hasn’t been. I even like setting up computers and such, that kind of fits into my organizing mode, and so I don’t really see it as an interruption, but then again, it can’t be done in short spurts, I need about a day to focus on it and get it done.
The thing is, when I get . . . shifted into all these daily interruptions, I tend to put my main interests on hold. So in my free time, instead of coming in here and blogging and reading blogs and communicating, or opening up Photoshop or other art programs, I instead watch tv series online, play simple computer games, listen to audiobooks, and read Kindle books. All things I do enjoy doing. But at the same time, they are all things that are what I call receptive activities. They require no thinking on my part, no focus on what it happening here and now. They are pass-times, fun ways to pass the time while I’m waiting.
But… waiting for what? For my house to sell and for me to move and get settled into a new apartment? Well, yeah, kinda, that does pop into my mind a lot. I often find myself projecting into the future, thinking that once I get settled I can go back to my usual “routine” of going with the flow. I even tell myself that this current behavior is also going with the flow, because I actually do enjoy looking at apartments for sale, so if that takes time away from other activities, so be it.
So what does this have to do with the title on this page? Well, I was visiting my CPAPdoc yesterday and he was talking about exercise, getting out and walking in nature and breathing in fresh air, etc. I mumbled something like “I really should do that.” and he stopped me, and said, “No. If you say it that way, you’ll never do it. Should is a word that often creates resistance on a psychological level. Instead, say you would enjoy doing that. Look at whatever you’re saying should about and think of it as something you would enjoy doing.”
It was an eye opener for me. I’ve been telling myself “I should write more in my blog” and “I should get my new computer set up so I can do some artwork.” Even, “I should spend more time doing creative activities and less time watching tv shows.” And it has created an invisible wall between me and those activities. And it made me forget the flow. Because I’ve also been using “should not”. I shouldn’t watch so much tv. Why not? I enjoy watching series online or on dvd, and I enjoy reading and sometimes it’s nice to just veg out awhile. I also enjoy looking for apartments, and I enjoy setting up computers, I really do enjoy all of it.
But for many things I’ve been stuck in resistance mode, simply because I’ve been thinking in terms of should instead of enjoyment.
This morning, I thought about what the CPAPdoc said and I thought to myself, I would enjoy sharing that with the blogging community. So here I am, sharing it. And I really would enjoy getting my new computer set up, so that is what I will be doing today. And if I feel like doing something else, I’ll do something else. It’s really that simple.
And yes, there are things that can’t be put aside, like the house sale and apartment hunt, but again, I enjoy those things, but I have been looking at them as tasks that need to get done, and not as part of the flow, part of the adventure. Putting the enjoyment back into it will make all the difference.
So, where does that leave me? Back in the flow. Does that mean I’ll be writing more in here? I have no idea. I’ll write when I have something I would enjoy sharing, and I won’t when I don’t.
All in good time.
All with enjoyment.
Okay, I ran late this week, and no excuses, and I’m also cheating and dating this Sunday instead of Monday morning when I’m writing it. Don’t you love that date option? It’s great for recording past dreams and having them display on the date you dreamed them.
Speaking of which, tuit dreams now has two more dreams, both from this past week. Tornado Watch was quite a breathtaking ride, and City Visitations, where the word “visitation” takes on a whole new meaning. Do you ever feel like loved ones who have passed on still visit you in dreams? I do, most definitely. They don’t usually have anything important to say, but they always leave me with a sense of comfort at having visited with them, no matter what form the dream takes, or even if they are simply secondary characters in it.
A very creative blogger got me inspired this week to take out my Photoshop and Apophysis renders and play with a base image offered for play. you can see what I did at a round tuit, with my post Freaky Zen Inspiration.
Writing, of the creative kind, has, alas, been a bit on hold while I do other kinds of writing, of the filling out forms kind. But I couldn’t resist Jenny Matlock’s latest prompt, and just had to participate with my offering for Saturday Centus: Texas at write tuit.
So what have I been doing? Well, I’ve been on the Swiss version of Disability since around 2006, which was fine until my ex lost his work and could no longer send me alimony. Don’t worry, we’re on good terms, and he gives me all his papers to prove his finances, the guy really is in debt up to his ears. But the way it has affected me is that I now have a very limited income and all the bills associated with a house that is too big for me. Even with an apartment, rent around her is more than I get for Disability, which is why they have what loosely translates to Supplemental disability, for those who don’t have a second income (spouse or alimony) or fortune or pension plan, etc..
It took a lot of paperwork, and having to prove that my ex wasn’t hiding money from me, but I was finally accepted. The Supplemental income won’t make me rich, but it helps. It’s individually based on need, and a very balanced system. The supplemental income is just enough to get by on, but enough is just that – enough, and a wonderful relief!
And there are other benefits that are even more important than the income itself – the Supplemental program pays my basic health insurance, and the deductible. It also pays for home help, assistance with whatever I need help for out of the home, like help getting groceries and someone to wash my hair for me and basically whatever else I might need to allow me to stay independent. Some of it I don’t need yet, but once the house is sold (and that’s a must, as it’s on 3 floors and I need a “flat” apartment) my daughter will no longer be with me so I’ll need some of those services then.
I cannot tell you what a relief it is to have this. It assures me that I will have the help I need. And when I sell the house and buy an apartment, it will be adjusted accordingly, so no worries there. I am truly blessed. It may have been a long road, and I understand why they can’t just give this away, but at last it’s final and I can breathe again.
Of course, it also means more forms to fill out, lol, and past insurance payments to copy and send in (It’s retroactive to January of this year which is when I applied for it) and I’ve been busy with that and a few other things like doctor visits and such. (No worries, routine)
On Monday (shh, that’s today actually) I’m going in to do a Sleep Analysis, not because I’ve had trouble sleeping, as that is pretty much explainable, but because I wake up with numbness in my face and my hands crisped into fists up against my chest. I told the doctor and he wants to see what goes on with me at night, if I could be sleeping in a way that cuts off circulation or whatever, and if I’m crisped up all night or just in the morning, etc. Should be interesting, I’ve never done anything like it before – they put electrodes all over you and film you sleeping – eek. I hope I don’t do anything too disgusting, like snore really loud. I guess I’ll find out, lol.
Anyway, no promises, but I hope to pick up some writing again soon, I love doing the challenges. And I’m also wanting to do some artwork. But wanting is far from actually doing, so I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.
Thanks for the visit, and you all have a great week!
Oh dear, here I am all blogs ready and waiting and my mind is a mishy mushy mash of glop, glooping down an otherwise empty corridor of closed doors.
I barely managed the Photo of the week. The prompt for the 100 Word Challenge has been out for days, and though I love the prompt itself, my mind won’t go there. The picture prompt for Flash Friday Fictioneers was just posted and again, my mind won’t go there. The doors remain shut, not a single one of them is even slightly cracked open in invitation. Oh wait, didn’t I have a dream last night? If only I could remember…
I think part of the problem is, I’ve been so concentrated on creating these blogs, finding the right layouts, getting started on each of them, and then going out and reading others blogs, commenting, enjoying, etc., that I’ve left a number of necessary tasks aside, and now they are weighing on my mind like a sinus headache without the pain, just that sense of heaviness and pressure.
Right now I am looking at a stack of envelopes that I set in plain view so I would attend to them. Official stuff, having to do with forms to be filled out, papers to find and copy to send, more forms, more papers, and that’s not even counting the income tax forms that also need doing. (Our due date here is March 15th, not April 15th as in the US.)
Okay, well, I do have a good excuse for why I haven’t started on those piles of paperwork – I’m waiting on yet another pair of glasses, my third pair, which will be for reading and paperwork. That will make three pairs of glasses to juggle, but at least I’ll be able to see clearly. Progressive lenses, you say? Been there, done that, can’t use them, my head tilts too easily, and I have trouble finding the right point of focus, but that’s another story in itself.
Anyway, here I am just rambling. I do that. This blog, in tuit, is not a blog for carefully crafted writing or journalistically beautiful prose on the meaning of life. If that’s what you’re looking for, well, sorry.
Does it mean I don’t have insights about life? Of course not. It’s just that my insights usually come from out of nowhere, I can’t construct them ahead of time, they just have to happen when they happen. Meanwhile, there’s a lot of rambling to get through, because that is what I do when I start writing “just me”. I ramble.
Oh, I can clean it up with the best of them for 100 word challenges or any similar writing exercise, but this isn’t an exercise, it’s my life. And my life is rambling, always has been, always will be. After all, isn’t that the best way to live in the moment? To let the moment take you where it will and experience it first hand without trying to guide your thoughts or control your words.
Go with the flow.
I feel better now. Thanks for reading – if you got this far. 😉