Rambling: not up tuit

Okay, I’m likely to ramble a bit here. Actually, I was thinking of posting something about the difference between Blogs and Online Journals. They do seem pretty different to me, a journal being more personal, more… private, perhaps. Blogs, as I see them thus far, feel more like social commentary, sharing of creative ideas, and generally seeking to be read by others, whereas a journal is more for personal expression. In a blog, I am writing to you, the reader. In a Journal, I’m writing to me, while aware that if it is online, others may read it.

I had an online journal once, in fact,  in a place called Open Diary. I haven’t posted there is so long, and last time I checked, maybe 2 years ago, all the archives were gone, from lack of participation, I guess. I miss that. It helped me immensely during the period of my divorce, just to be able to express myself, talk it out with myself, so to speak.  I miss having a place where I can talk about not only the good stuff, but the things I have on my mind.

I have a lot on my mind right now.  Limited finances, need to sell my house, searching for the right realtor who won’t try to rip me off because I’m this lone older female. Also dealing with a gardener who I think is trying to rip me off, but having no proof of it, and when  I asked for a detail on the work done, he came back with a demand of full restitution of the bill – an amount I don’t have, and won’t have until I get the house sold. (I was paying monthly before I questioned the bill).

Sometimes I just feel so… overwhelmed. I’m getting older, and I have some physical disabilities. Muscular atrophy in the upper back and cervical area from radiation treatments I had as a child. They kept me alive. I’m not complaining here, just stating fact, and the fact is that now there are consequences from radiation damage. Plus I have to stay vigilant, because late effects can cause secondary cancers years later, so I have been on my latest round of doctor visits and scans, which always exhausts me.That may be part of my feeling so overwhelmed at the moment – I’m just tired.

While I love living in Switzerland, for the first time in years I am feeling like a fish out of water – trying to deal with realtors and looking for repairmen to fix a few minor things in the house so it will be presentable – I don’t know who to call, how to get an estimate, and my mind gets fuzzy from time to time due to medications I must take. I’ve cut back on them to the point I can tolerate, but there are days when the pain is so mentally and physically distracting, that it’s almost worse than fuzzy brain from the meds.

And no, I don’t have friends and neighbors to help – I’ve been quite asocial since the divorce, but part of that has been physical limitations. It’s just easier for me here online, sitting leaning back in a comfortable chair with neck support, my keyboard in my lap, my legs up on the desk. This is how I communicate, and it has been enough for me, with my daughters to keep me company. They’re grown now, only one still at home while attending University, but she will be on her own once the house sells.

I don’t expect or even want help from them – I want them to live their lives, become independent. And now it’s time for me to become independent, too, to find myself a cozy little apartment where I can settle in. It’s just the process that is wearing me down. These are things I can’t procrastinate about. But some days my mind is so preoccupied from all of it, it becomes like writer’s block of the spirit and I don’t know what to do.

The worst thing about this is that I’m usually a very Zen kind of person. Stuff just doesn’t bother me, I know and believe it will all work out in the long run – and I haven’t lost that knowledge, but I’m also aware that I can’t just sit idly by, I have to be a participant in this part of the process, to make sure things get done. Only, I feel a bit lost as to how to do it.

Yeah, I know, one day at a time. *weary smile*  How many times have I said that to others. Do what you can when you can, one step at a time, one day at a time, it will get done eventually. Eventually – that’s the problem. I don’t have “eventually”, I’m up against a deadline after which, if the house isn’t sold, things could get very messy.

Still, I do know it will be all right. I know that all I really have to do is make a few calls, and trust that the right buyers will show up, and the right apartment for me. It does really always work out for the best. I just need to remind myself of that now and then.

Well, I feel a little better now, for having talked this out, perhaps not so much with you as with me. Who says a blog has to follow any rules? This is my blog and if I need it sometimes to talk to myself, then so be it.  I think I will title these kinds of posts as “Rambling”, so those who aren’t interested will know to skip them.

Meanwhile… one day at a time.

And so it is.

16 responses

  1. Although this is the first time visiting your blog I can tell that you are a dear person and I wish you peace and liberation.
    much love, sleepypaddler

    1. That is so sweet of you, thank you for the kind words. 🙂

  2. […] especially want to thank everyone who offered support after my previous Rambling post here in this blog, in tuit. Your kind thoughts and virtual hugs were greatly appreciated. […]

  3. Beautiful post my friend Thumbs up 🙂

    1. Thank you Jake. I appreciate it.

  4. You are so nice dear Judee and I am so glad to be here and to know you… Be sure, you have a friend here always… You are very welcome and Thank you. Have a nice day, angels, muses and beauties be with you, with my love, nia

    1. Bless you nia, you are such a sweet person!

  5. how interesting – you seem to be telling my current story, where deadlines are closing in, fewer options and harder decisions to make all to go along with the physical and emotional and intellectual weariness…
    and I so get when you say that it is hard to be zen all the time… it IS…
    and how interesting that I too stopped, after reading, to comment and leave you a hug too… just like buddhafulkat… no we are not related, or perhaps we are… anyhoo here’s one BIG hug and a coupon for another to be received just when you need it the most…

    namaste, Judee…


    1. Thank you so much for the hug and the words, BuddahKat. And yes, I know you and Buddafulkat are different people, but perhaps of similar mind and spirit. 🙂 Being Zen is wonderful, but I guess we need these little episodes of struggle so we fully appreciate it when we do manage to relax!

      Namaste to you, too (and yes, I know what it means.) 🙂

  6. I am a firm believer in “Let go, and let God” too, Judee. But if you feel like people are taking advantage of you, make them give you a written quote, outlining any work and/or services, they intend to do for you, and for what price. I have been down that road of having been taken for a ride, and all I ever did was end up angry for not having stood my ground. While it’s nice to be nice, sometimes you have to be firm, lest people mistake being benevolent for being old and foolish. I seriously doubt you are the latter. With quotes in writing, you at least have ammunition for court if the need arises. I have always preferred the ‘handshake’ contract, but I eventually came to the conclusion, there are less hard feelings just to put transactions in writing, especially with strangers. I spend hours on drawings with no money up front, trusting my client, only to have them tell me “never mind”, the project fell through. They ended up being one time clients, but still, the bills don’t get paid if you don’t, so contracts really are protection for all parties included. I wish you the best in selling your home, and getting reestablished in your new apt. Hang in there, kiddo, and take it one day at a time. 🙂

    1. Thank you Marcy, I appreciate your counsel. And you are so right. There never was a written contract with this gardener, and yet he’s supposedly one of the better ones in the area. In fact, I never specifically told him to continue during the summer, they just kept coming (I had redone the lawn, new grass) and at first I thought it was part of the overall cost. Found out different.

      I’m definitely doing it different now – i have some work to get done inside, and I am getting written quotes and times, and everything. I had someone repair some cabinets in a bathroom last summer, and he had given me a handshake quote, that then doubled by the end – mainly because he was too short and needed to hire someone to help him replace some cabinets!

      I’m learning the hard way, but at least I’m learning. Thanks again for your comments and visit. 🙂

  7. A big virtual hugs from me too Dear Judee! I haven’t thought before your post, blog or
    on-line journal… I mean the difference… Is it important… Writing is great and sharing is great… For a long time I have been at my desk… My reason is different but I am happy at my desk… I am not alone in my own world and you are not alone too… There is not real friends anymore in real life, at least I don’t know… and there is not neighbour too… aalthough there are so many families around us… Time changed… Nothing as before…
    But this is important I mean, what makes you happy… I hope and wish about your life what you wish to be happen soon… Keep writing and enjoy… Thank you, Blessing and Happiness, with my love, nia

    1. Thank you so much sweet nia. And no, it’s not really important, I think it’s more about expressiing the moment than worrying about what others will think. I must remind myself of this.

      The world is changing – we have easier communication with people from all over the world, but at the same time, less closeness with our neighbors. Something seems a bit turned upside down. But for me it is perfect, as the neighbor visiting is too difficult physically, so I can bring my neighbors from all over the world into my space at my desk.

      Thank you for your words and for the lovely hug!

  8. It’s your blog and you can ramble if you want to. Zen is good, but so is honesty and if you don’t feel zen that’s okay too. One day at a time sounds good to me. Here’s a virtual hug if you need it. =)

    1. Ah, thank you – yes, I did need a virtual hug, and it’s wonderful to get one. Funny, but they do feel real to me (virtual hugs). Heh, maybe I’m on here too often! Thank you so much.

      1. Anytime!

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