Okay, I’m likely to ramble a bit here. Actually, I was thinking of posting something about the difference between Blogs and Online Journals. They do seem pretty different to me, a journal being more personal, more… private, perhaps. Blogs, as I see them thus far, feel more like social commentary, sharing of creative ideas, and generally seeking to be read by others, whereas a journal is more for personal expression. In a blog, I am writing to you, the reader. In a Journal, I’m writing to me, while aware that if it is online, others may read it.
I had an online journal once, in fact, in a place called Open Diary. I haven’t posted there is so long, and last time I checked, maybe 2 years ago, all the archives were gone, from lack of participation, I guess. I miss that. It helped me immensely during the period of my divorce, just to be able to express myself, talk it out with myself, so to speak. I miss having a place where I can talk about not only the good stuff, but the things I have on my mind.
I have a lot on my mind right now. Limited finances, need to sell my house, searching for the right realtor who won’t try to rip me off because I’m this lone older female. Also dealing with a gardener who I think is trying to rip me off, but having no proof of it, and when I asked for a detail on the work done, he came back with a demand of full restitution of the bill – an amount I don’t have, and won’t have until I get the house sold. (I was paying monthly before I questioned the bill).
Sometimes I just feel so… overwhelmed. I’m getting older, and I have some physical disabilities. Muscular atrophy in the upper back and cervical area from radiation treatments I had as a child. They kept me alive. I’m not complaining here, just stating fact, and the fact is that now there are consequences from radiation damage. Plus I have to stay vigilant, because late effects can cause secondary cancers years later, so I have been on my latest round of doctor visits and scans, which always exhausts me.That may be part of my feeling so overwhelmed at the moment – I’m just tired.
While I love living in Switzerland, for the first time in years I am feeling like a fish out of water – trying to deal with realtors and looking for repairmen to fix a few minor things in the house so it will be presentable – I don’t know who to call, how to get an estimate, and my mind gets fuzzy from time to time due to medications I must take. I’ve cut back on them to the point I can tolerate, but there are days when the pain is so mentally and physically distracting, that it’s almost worse than fuzzy brain from the meds.
And no, I don’t have friends and neighbors to help – I’ve been quite asocial since the divorce, but part of that has been physical limitations. It’s just easier for me here online, sitting leaning back in a comfortable chair with neck support, my keyboard in my lap, my legs up on the desk. This is how I communicate, and it has been enough for me, with my daughters to keep me company. They’re grown now, only one still at home while attending University, but she will be on her own once the house sells.
I don’t expect or even want help from them – I want them to live their lives, become independent. And now it’s time for me to become independent, too, to find myself a cozy little apartment where I can settle in. It’s just the process that is wearing me down. These are things I can’t procrastinate about. But some days my mind is so preoccupied from all of it, it becomes like writer’s block of the spirit and I don’t know what to do.
The worst thing about this is that I’m usually a very Zen kind of person. Stuff just doesn’t bother me, I know and believe it will all work out in the long run – and I haven’t lost that knowledge, but I’m also aware that I can’t just sit idly by, I have to be a participant in this part of the process, to make sure things get done. Only, I feel a bit lost as to how to do it.
Yeah, I know, one day at a time. *weary smile* How many times have I said that to others. Do what you can when you can, one step at a time, one day at a time, it will get done eventually. Eventually – that’s the problem. I don’t have “eventually”, I’m up against a deadline after which, if the house isn’t sold, things could get very messy.
Still, I do know it will be all right. I know that all I really have to do is make a few calls, and trust that the right buyers will show up, and the right apartment for me. It does really always work out for the best. I just need to remind myself of that now and then.
Well, I feel a little better now, for having talked this out, perhaps not so much with you as with me. Who says a blog has to follow any rules? This is my blog and if I need it sometimes to talk to myself, then so be it. I think I will title these kinds of posts as “Rambling”, so those who aren’t interested will know to skip them.
Meanwhile… one day at a time.
And so it is.